You know those guys you can just tell you shouldn’t fuck with? The ones who might not be the biggest guy in the room, but have that look on their face that if you so much as furrow your brow in their direction or accidentally bump into them on the way to the restroom they will unleash a fury comparable to that of an atomic bomb. The ones that have eyes that say, “If you say something even remotely sideways to me, I will stab you in the face 47 times with a machete.” The ones who have so much anger and hate inside of them that they could easily put someone three times their size in a coma. Anyway, I am not sure Henry Rollins is that guy anymore, but I will venture to say that at one point he was the most un-fuck-with-able person in the world.
Henry Rollins eats fire for breakfast and washes it down with a tall glass of sulfuric acid. If Henry Rollins slept, he would sleep with his eyes open and his middle finger in the air. Henry Rollins builds 30-foot brick walls by hand and then runs through them. The final test in the BUD/S training for the U.S. Navy Seals is to arm wrestle Henry Rollins, and since they obviously never win, the only way they can pass is if they leave the match with their arm still attached. Henry Rollins is the defender of the weak and the destroyer of worlds unknown to the common man. The day Henry Rollins was born, God, Allah, Buddha, and Zeus gathered at the local bar and were seen at the corner table hopelessly shaking their heads and drowning their sorrows in straight whiskey because they all knew they were now second in command. Henry Rollins does not walk on water; he sprints on water until it evaporates. Henry Rollins jump-starts automobiles with his ball sack. Henry Rollins has written every “_____ for dummies” how-to book. He’ll tear your mind out, he’ll burn your soul. Henry Rollins forges steel with his bare hands, and then uses it as a blanket. Henry Rollins steps on throats and kicks down doors. Henry Rollins eats people alive and whole, and that is only if you’ve only pissed him off slightly. Henry Rollins peels oranges with his toes, and makes freshly squeezed orange juice with his mind. The Mayans told Henry Rollins that Nickelback is the best band in the world, and that’s why their calendar ended. One time Henry Rollins beat a grizzly bear in a 40-yard dash, then choked it out with one arm. Henry Rollins waterboards himself because he thinks it tickles, but if you actually tickle him he will rip your leg off and beat you with it until you are unconscious.
But seriously, every year on Henry Rollins’ birthday, he sends Chuck Norris a card that reads, “You are a pussy”. On top of that, Chuck has all the cards on his mantle because he is afraid of what Henry Rollins will do if he throws them away.
But seriously seriously, I try not to assume anything in life, so I don’t want to assume that you know who Henry Rollins is. The man is a genius. All of his music with Black Flag and Rollins Band, his books, his spoken word, his comedy, his radio shows; he really is one of the stand out people of the 20th and 21st centuries who tells it like it is and breathes fresh air into a bland and stale entertainment industry. Check him out, or he’ll find you, and now you know what he’s capable of.